how hard?

How hard it can be when you think that you know everything, but in fact you can’t even understand the person you love…

After so many days, weeks, months.. I thought that he’s different than all asian boys I’ve already met, that he’s more like ‘my boy’ who understand me.. but now it’s slowly falling apart. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, that is just unexpecting. I thought he’s very strong, he’s my hero, who will be cheering me up. Finally.. strangely I was always this person, who had to cheer up everyone else. Having him gave me a lot of strenght, that I will do it, I will be stronger, I can make it…

But now it’s not what i thought. He’s crushing.. he’s breaking.. he’s sad and hopeless, making me suffer a lot. I know what that means, I know a lot about seeing my beloved person suffering alone, when I try to make him happy, but it doesn’t work. How can I do it all over again? How can I find myself that power to be a super hero again?

Love should gave me that power. And I expect it to appears.

I don’t want to lose him. Once I’ve lost my big love, and I won’t lose my biggest love again.. not anymore.  Life is too short for making stupid mistakes, my life is too experienced to make that mistake all over again.  Because I once couldn’t make it, couldn’t show my boy that he’s strong enough to love me.. Now it will be different, and I will have my happy happy ending.

My boy is just confused, it must be hard situation for him, because he has no experience in that matter. These kind of relationship is tiring a lot. Especially when he’s own life situation is not so clear. He has to deal with his family problems, making hard choices, and of course he’s missing his gf.. That can bring a big pain to anyone. I know that, I understand that. My situation is not that bad, everything is normal, i have some difficulties on university, but it’s something i can overcome easly. He’s family doesn’t want him to be with white girl. That’s scaring me, very much actually. Even if he’s telling me that I must be crazy to think that he will leave me because of his family.. I’m still scared, because if there is such a statement, who know what will they come up with later.

But I love him. Love him like hell 😉 And my hell with him will be our heaven.


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